When I woke up, the pile had humbled me. It made me walk around the house slowly like I wore invisible high heels. Every step I took hurt. I could neither sit or stand. I needed to see a doctor before the end of the day.
Getting Adavize was no longer a priority. The pain in my ass needed to leave!
It was a miracle getting to the hospital. As soon as I got in, trust Nigerian hospitals! The nurse on duty checked my blood pressure and weight without asking me what’s wrong. Wetin concern pile with blood pressure? After a twenty minutes wait, I was led to the doctor’s office. He asked me to pull my jean so he could see how severe the pile is.
“Just give me drugs please!” I barked.
Adavize was calling my phone. It was 2pm and he said he was going to leave by 3pm. I got my drugs and hurriedly left the hospital.
On getting home, Adavize was lying on my bed. I joined him and put my arms around his waist.
He started stroking my back.
The pile started stroking my anus too.
I screamed ”Oh God.”
Adavize thought he was turning me on.
Little did he know the pile was the one doing all the work…
”I’ll make you feel so good”
”K” I responded.
‘Can I eat you?”
”Okay” I responded shyly.
Suddenly, the memory of him chewing like a screen muncher flashed. I have a spoilt anus. I was not going to ruin the second working hole.
”No” I reconsidered!
”You are acting really strange! Let’s make each other feel good please… do you have a rubber?”
My God! He was so persistent. I pushed him away lightly.
No one spoke for about ten minutes.
He finally broke the silence.
”Did I tell you I have a girlfriend?”
”So you have a girlfriend and you want to chop and clean mouth?” I was so pissed. The vagina digger attempted to defend himself.
”You know I’ve always loved you”
”Love? Please don’t provoke me!”
He got up immediately and grabbed his bag. ”Thanks for the accommodation. I’ll be back for the conference next week”
”WHATEVER!!!” I slammed my door!
The following week, I was so unhappy. I was on the losing end. Valentine was drawing nearer and I couldn’t even get an ad hoc boyfriend I promised myself. Adavize had come and gone and I still didn’t know what I wanted.
Perhaps I did? But the pile in my anus held me down!
Maybe he was joking when he mentioned he had a girlfriend.
Thank God for third chances.
Adavize promised to come back on Friday. The calender read Tuesday. I had barely two days to get prepared.
I decided to be two steps ahead this time.
I went shopping.
I stocked my fridge, stocked my kitchen, rearranged my house and bought this romantic looking vase filled with red roses for my bedside.
As for my pile, the pain was not as severe as day one but it was still playing hard to get so I multiplied my doctor’s dosage twice!
To hell with drug overdose!
Thursday afternoon, I was trying to get a nap when I heard a knock on my door.
“Onize, are you home?”
Oh my God! That was Adavize voice.
I thought he said he was going to come on Friday?
Or maybe our six days apart made him realise he needs me in his life?
I opened my door.
What in the world!
This had to be my most horror nightmare in 2020.
Julius was not alone!
A petite light skinned girl stood beside him with a hand luggage.
Who was this girl that had come to mess up my plans, I wondered.
“Ermm…. Onize, meet Isoyiza, my girlfriend. She was lonely so I decided to bring her along with me.” He spoke with a wide grin.
Which sane guy brings his girlfriend to his ‘almost ex-girlfriend’ house for holidays?
“YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST CALLED” I screamed!
“Onize We are so sorry. Our phones were dead” The first lady was defending ‘our’ man. Who even told her my name? She was pretty quite alright but she had this annoying rat-like voice that gave me ear ache.
I decided to use my own legs to enter the friend zone before they both throw me in.
“What are ‘friends’ for. Come in!” Anything to shut that annoying voice!
It was bad enough I had been friend zoned right in my own house. First thing I did was rush inside and shamefully hid the vase in the toilet.
Waste of roses!
”Feel free baby, Onize is a very nice person” Adavize motioned to his girlfriend.
Isoyiza got up from MY COUCH, sauntered around MY APARTMENT while I watched her with my eyes glowing green.
She opened MY MINI FRIGDE and brought out MY SHORTBREAD.
“Yayyy! My favourite biscuit! Can I have some please?” She screamed with her rat like voice.
”Yes” I replied coldly.
At that point I wished I put some of my otatapia inside the biscuit.
She started chewing MY BISCUIT making world war 4 sounds with her teeth and tongue.
Oh, so that’s why they are compatible? Because both of them chew alike? I couldn’t believe I was single simply because I don’t chew like a goat…
Adavize sat quietly in one corner. The shameless guy was getting uncomfortable.
What the hell was he expecting bringing his babe over after what happened between us the previous week.
They say the best way to treat your enemy is by doing them good. I made up my mind to do just that.
I got inside my kitchen and started preparing stuffs for egusi soup. Isoyiza went inside MY BATHROOM, used MY SOAP, MY WATER, MY BUCKET, and MY DETTOL.
I slammed my kitchen door and concentrated on my task of being a good host.
Two hours later I served them dinner.
It was seamless contest between world war 3 versus world war 4 just like I predicted.
Adavize was impressed.
“Mehn, Onize you are a good cook”
Before I could say thanks, Isoyiza cut in “Pepper is too much ooo”
Ontop MY OWN FOOD?
She started coughing crocodile style because of MY PEPPER. Adavize dropped the ball of eba he was holding and started consoling her, rubbing her back and patting her, doing all those romantic things in my presence without conscience.
I couldn’t stand that romance sight.
I was damn thirsty for attention so I brought out my pile drugs with a face full pity hoping that was going to distract Adavize.
Sadly, none of them cared.
I swallowed my drugs and walked out of my house in shame.
Part 3 to be dropped soon…..